Just Because I'm A
by Aingeal-J
Summary: A serise of characters explaining themselves comically. So far: Goa'uld, and Daniel! Jack's Chapter is up!
1. Default Chapter

Just Because I'm A Goa'uld!

Chapter 1

A/N: I thought I'd give the Goa'uld a little slack! Why you as? Coz I think they have great comedic potential!

Just to make it easier for, well me, and to see how its all played out, its in script form! GASP!

BIG thanks to Black Storm for the inspiration for this story…GO THE SQUIRRELS!

Disclaimer: No I don't own the characters…and no furry animals were harmed

Scene: Nice forest, little river running in the background, and a fallen tree that rests on a heap of rocks. Birds chirping, furry animals scurrying around…very Snow White…until…

Enter: Goa'uld…dark, evil, sly Goa'uld. He sits on the broken log and places his staff weapon beside him and then rests his hands on his knee.

Kel'erti:

My name is Kel'erti, and I am a Goa'uld. I know many think we are an evil race, but I am here to defend myself. I am not evil, I live by the rules, I don't kill…

_Furry little animal runs across scene, he picks up his staff weapon and blows it up in a furry little explosion and puff of smoke. He places the staff weapon down again, and puts his hands back on his knees_

Kel'erti:

…much…and I am a religious family man. I look after my fellow warriors and serve my Lord. Why is that any different to the Tau'ri? Just because they fight for 'good', why is it any different to what I fight for?

_A beautiful little butterfly lands on his hand. He slowly removes his other hand and slams it down on the innocent little butterfly, squishing its little wings turning the bright colours to mush. He flicks the remains off his armour._

Kel'erti:

And I just polished that this morning! Stupid little creature…oh…wait don't mistake me! Butterflies are like what houseflies are to you. Annoying little creatures. Anyway, as I was saying, just because we look evil with glowing eyes and snake looking symbiotes, and take host bodies by force…doesn't make us bad! Its what we have to do to survive…like natural selection really. Just think of it that way!

_Suddenly a furry little squirrel appears at his feel, looking up and the scary Goa'uld without fear. Kel'erti smiles…_

Kel'erti:

Yes, we smile! How can a Goa'uld smile at a furry little animal like this chubby squirrel you ask? He is my pet.

_He picks up the little cutie and turns him around to show us his…AGHH HORRIBLE GLOWING EYES!_

Kel'erti:

What? Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that he is a Goa'uld cute furry little animal. Well what can I say? Some of the symbiotes decided to try different bodies. We told them nooo, not a good idea, but did they listen? Of corse not! See what I mean? We do look out for one another! Anyway, point I'm trying to make, and just don't spread this around because it is the one weapon that can defeat the entire Goa'uld race…is we just love to…

_Suddenly he is hit by a plasma ball shot from a staff weapon, and he and his ugly little furry Goa'uld squirrel fall down. Jack appears waving the smoke away from his face and coughing._

Jack:

Damn Goa'uld! Can't they just stay out of our way for at least one day?

Daniel:

Jack, you killed a squirrel!

Jack:

Daniel, there are no squirrels on PXW297.

Sam:

Actually, there is one right there sir.

_She points to the furry little mess, and then looks back at Jack who shrugs._

Jack:

So there happened to be a squirrel here.

Daniel:

Why was he sitting there like that? Goa'uld don't just…sit, do they?

Teal'c:

It appears he was talking to someone.

Daniel:

Who? Nobody else is around.

Teal'c:

I am unsure Daniel Jackson

Jack:

Can we just go now? We've killed yet another Goa'uld gone lets go kill another!

Sam:

You put it so blunt sir.

Jack:

Well its what we do! Move out people!

_Jack moves off, followed by Teal'c. Sam and Daniel look at each other._

Sam:

Do you think there's someone there?

Daniel:

Should we look? Just in case?

_They slowly turn to look at each other._

Jack:

(From off-set)

Come one people hurry up!

_Daniel shrugs and moves off while Sam peers into the bushes. Seeing no one, she follows. Just as you think everyone's followed Jack…or is dead…_

Furry Little Goa'uld Squirrel:

The Goa'uld will triumph!

_He lifts up his furry little fist and shakes it as he exposes his big teeth (think Monty Python killer rabbit!), and then his arm falls to the ground and the little Goa'uld squirrel meets his horrible little furry death._

THE END

Review please!


	2. Just Because I'm A Geek

Just Because I'm A Geek

A/N: I've been meaning to write the rest of this series for ages, and now I have free time because I've almost finished school, I can! YAY!

Thanks to Storm, once again checking my Jack :p That's what comes of channel 7 depriving me of Stargate for so long! NOO! Thanks again sis!

Once again it will be in script form because I just like it!

Disclaimer: No characters are mine.

SCENE: Moving down the SGC hallways. Everyone is going about his or her business until we get to a door – Dr Daniel Jackson's door. It opens and we enter and there, sitting behind a desk laden with 10 coffee cups, a pile of books, and an alien artefact…is our gallant, geeky hero. He looks up at us and puts his pen down onto the desk.

DANIEL:

Ok, so what? I wear glasses and I read a lot but that doesn't mean I'm a geek. It means I'm smart. Smart people read a lot and they fill their brains with all this wonderful knowledge. I know a lot of things about…stuff…and quite frankly I'm proud that I study so hard. I enjoy it.

_Jack walks up behind him. Where did he come from?_

JACK:

You can't seriously enjoy this? I mean come on, all these books and words and technical crap. _Hits book with the back of his fingers. _I bet you have _loads_ of paper cuts.

_Jack exits with his hands shoved in his pocket. _

DANIEL:

Daniel looks at his fingertipsThey've developed calluses_ shakes head ._ That's not the point here! I happen to find this stuff quite interesting. I can speak languages nobody else on this planet can speak.

_Jack walks past casually again._

JACK:

What's the point of speaking them if people on the world you _live_ on can't understand it? Seriously Daniel, what planet are YOU living on? It's like Spanglish…except more than one person can actually speak language that on Earth.

_Jack casually walks back out of frame. Daniel glares at his retreating figure, annoyed. Where HAD he come from anyway?_

DANIEL:

One of these days, we're going to need to communicate with these people, and if I'm not there you won't be able to! Whether people on EARTH understand the languages isn't the point here. Its not why the United States Air Force writes to my pay check. I'm paid because I read lots and can speak many different languages, so I can save your asses! But it DOESN'T make me a geek!

_Jack yells from somewhere we can't see. It is a simple word, but his tone is one of obvious amusement by Daniel's annoyance. _

JACK:

Glasses!

_Daniel looks at him, and takes his glasses off, shaking his head slightly._

DANIEL:

I don't wear these all the time! I mean I don't usually, only if I'm reading books.

_Jack…once again…_

JACK:

BOOKS!

_Daniel, now very peeved, slams shut his book, ready to get up, but then…Sam enters the picture! She probably came from the same place as Jack._

SAM:

Don't worry Daniel. You're not a geek. A more educated way to put it would be that you are an intelligent, well-read, knowledgeable being.

_She puts her hand on his shoulder and smiles reassuringly. She knows what its like to be called a geek. Jack walks up to Daniel, hands once again shoved into his pockets._

JACK:

Ok Daniel, fine, you win. You're not a geek.

_Jack exits the same way he came in. We don't know where that actually is, but he's leaving all the same._

JACK:

…Maybe a nerd would be a more suitable word….

_Daniel lets his head fall on the table while Sam gives a comforting pat on the back. She leaves, yelling something to Jack about being nicer to Daniel. The Archaeologist looks up at us, his head resting on a hand._

DANIEL:

Well… I don't really care what he says. I'm proud of who I am. So now, if you don't mind, I'm going to continue my research.

_The camera slowly zooms back out the door and Daniel continues translating the ancient artefact. As the doors to his office close, leaving us with the bustling of the people that are the Stargate Command, we hear Teal'c's curious voice say: _

TEAL'C:

Colonel O'Neil instructed me to come to you and learn the meaning of the word 'nerd'.


	3. Just Because I Eat Pie

Just Because I Eat Pie

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry this has been a long time coming! TAFE had me busy and writing songs gives me writers block for stories! hehe_  
_

Thanks to Kiki for herinspiration as always! And for the beta, nice work!

Enjoy guys!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own these characters…except one. I do own one. Guess which!

_  
(Jack looks up at us very seriously, his hands folded with a piece of steaming pie in front of him) _

JACK:

"I love pie. It is the best invention ever made by man. I think I like it because there are so many flavors and..."

_(Jack looks down to see little Boo munching away on his pie. He looks up innocently at Jack with his cute little blue eyes. Ok everyone, 1, 2, 3, "AWWW!") _

JACK:

"Boo go away!"

_(He shoos the cat away. Damn cat! Whose cat is he any way?) _

JACK:

"Aww now you ate part of my pie. Boo, so it seems, loves pie too"

_(Boo meows) _

"But this is MY Pie."

_(Camera cuts to Sam in the cafeteria. She is leaning against a table, ankles and arms folded.) _

SAM:

"He loves his pie. He gets very defensive if you eat even a tiny piece. I don't know why really because there is no shortage of it on base."

_(We cut to Daniel in his study, holding an ancient Greek statue) _

DANIEL:

"The ancient Greeks made pie. Maybe Jack was Greek in his past life. No, my guess would be something Pie related happened in his childhood"

_(Again we cut back to Jack who is leaning back in his chair flicking a pencil…at Boo. Remind me where he came from?)_

JACK:

When I was 9 my grandma made a blueberry pie. Unfortunately it was the last pie she ever made, she died that night. I had only eaten one piece and she specifically told me the pie was for my mouth only. When we came back from the hospital my pie was gone.

_(Jack shrugs as he tilts his head to the side a little.)_

JACK:

From that day on I've been very protective of my pie.

_(We cut to Teal'c sitting in the cafeteria next to Sam, with his own pie.)_

TEAL'C:

O'Neill seems to enjoy, as he says, "chowing" down this crusted dessert with many flavoured fillings

_(Sam interrupts quietly.)_

SAM:

Teal'c we call it Pie.

_(Teal'c nods in understanding.)_

TEAL'C:

O'Neill's obsession with pie may one day turn him into a Frodo.

_(Sam giggles quietly. Poor Teal'c, so much to learn.)_

SAM:

Hobbit. But I agree with you Teal'c. One day he'll be reduced to sitting alone in his room waiting for his next…fix.

_(Daniel walks in on the fun. He sits down with Jelly.)_

DANIEL:

I'm a Jelly man myself. Something I don't have to chew. I can just let it slide down my throat with little effort. Quick dessert for someone like me who spends a lot of time researching.

_(Ok Back to Jack. His pie is gone, with few remaining crumbs.)_

JACK:

I did try jelly, but it just wasn't my thing. Neither was custard, unless it's a custard tart, which is almost a pie. Anyhoo I think…Oh fer crying out loud!

_(Boo has licked the remaining crumbs. Ok that's it! COME HERE!)_

JACK:

I think I'll go get more pie…

_(Jack turns to see someone chasing Boo behind him. Damn that little cat is quick.)_

_(Cut back to the cafeteria.)_

SAM:

Where do you think the Colonel is?

DANIEL:

I don't know, I think he might be working on a report.

TEAL'C:

I believe Daniel Jackson that O'Neill finished his report yesterday.

_(They all look at each other suspiciously. We cut to Jack's room, where the camera pans around the corner to see Jack wedged between his bed and wardrobe. BUM BUM BUUUMMM! Therehe ishuddled with his pie, stroking it and saying in a husky voice: )_

JACK:

My Precious!

_(Black out)_

Did ya guess! Hehe Boo is my cat and he has a knack of trying to eat food off your plate, so decided to add him. And yes, that person running was me…silly cat! So this is dedicated to Boo


End file.
